Wednesday, 9 April 2014

I Am Enough!

Why is it that such a simple statement - "I am enough" - is so difficult to digest?  Why is it that even though we KNOW this to be true, we still crave the attention and the validation of those around us?

Why, at 40 years old, do we still wish for the day our parents will respect us as an adult?  Our choices, our opinions, our mistakes and our triumphs.  When will they be enough?  And if they are never enough, why do we care? 

Why, at 40 years old, do we still wish for the day when our siblings and family members will treat us as more than a "silly girl" and realize that we are smart, and insightful, and opinionated, and strong?  And what if they never see that person?

What if they never see THIS person:

A balls-to-the-wall single mom who has raised a flat-out AMAZING child all on her own.  A woman who fulfilled her dream of opening a dance studio and used her life savings to do it.  No loans.  No credit lines.  No help from the bank.  Just me.  A woman who took on a big-name corporation through the Human Rights Tribunal when her rights as a parent and an employee were violated.  A woman who fought that fight for over a year - and won.  A woman who has fought tooth and nail (for years!) for help through the school system for a child with an anxiety disorder.  And when that system ultimately failed her and her son, mortgaged herself into the next century so she could send that child to a private school where he is thriving and blossoming and becoming the AMAZING child she knew him to be all along.

Why do they not see THAT person?  Cuz I am that person.  I am all of those things and more.

Do I have negative traits as well?  Damn straight I do!

I talk too much.  I interrupt.  I have a short fuse.  I prefer things "my way."  I care too much.  I take offence too easily.  I swear like a trucker.  I eat too much junk food.  I don't eat enough veggies.  I am sometimes too hard on that amazing kid of mine.  I have trouble understanding why people do not treat me the way I treat them.  I watch too much TV.  Carbs are my downfall.  I could go on....

Yup, that's me too.  And I'm sure there's more, on both sides of the equation.

So why then, is being me, as wonderful and as flawed as I am, not enough?  Why do we still wish to be "more than" for the people in our lives who treat us as "less than"?

Whoa!  Ok that sentence just flew out of my brain and onto the screen before I had a chance to realize it!  Wow!  That's worth repeating!

Why do we still wish to be "more than" for the people in our lives who treat us as "less than?"

And that, my friends, is the million dollar question.  I know what kind of person I am.  I know that I am not perfect and an ongoing work in progress.  I am aware of my flaws and try to work on them as best I can. (altho the junk food one is hard!!)  And I also know my strengths.  I know I am a kind-hearted person, a good friend and a powerhouse of a mother.  And if you ever meet me in a courtroom I suggest you back away. <wink>

So then why, if this is truly the kind of person I am, do the people I so wish to see me for who I really am, seem unable to?  Do they not WANT to see the good?  Is it easier for them to leave me in the "silly girl" role?   That role they gave me, for some unknown reason, many years ago.  Are they unwilling to see me differently?  Or unable?  And why does it bother me so much?

Why do I continue to want that validation from them when they are so clearly unwilling or unable to give it?  And more than validation, I just want them to see me.  The real me.  To accept me as I am - flaws and all.  And not always want me to be "more than" while they continue to treat me as "less than."

Note to self: I Am Enough!  I just wish they saw that.

~ The Lazy Gourmet

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